Shaggy Dog Stories Part 2 – Deep Throat

In part 1 of our Hurricane Irma shaggy dog stories, I described how our temporary charge Jesse, a large Golden Doodle, and I almost ended up in jail. Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse …

There are many reasons why I am not a dog person and one reason is that dogs love to eat garbage and the more rotten the garbage, the more they seem to like it. I have seen dogs eat some revolting stuff and watched as their owners then let them lick their faces. What!

Compared to an island mutt, the famed coconut retrievers, a Golden Doodle appears refined, posh, however, Jesse is an expert at finding and eating rotten garbage, and following hurricane’s Irma and Maria, there was certainly plenty of it to go at.

The rather delicate Jesse might love garbage but garbage certainly doesn’t love Jesse, it makes her vomit and have diarrhea. Lovely, when you have to clean it up while trying not to empty the contents of your own stomach, which Jesse would immediately love to gobble down as dessert.

Of all the garbage she loves to eat, rotten meat, preferably on the bone, is Jesse’s all-time favorite. She can sniff out moldy bones from ten yards away. Over the time we looked after her and walked her on a leash, I studied her body language and recognized the signs when she’d caught scent of a delightful morsel of rancid crap.

In the early days, she would run, nose down, jaws open, and scoop her target off the ground and immediately start crunching.

Now the last thing you need while dealing with the devastation wrought by a 200mph hurricane is a sick dog. For a start, my Jeep had been destroyed and even if I could find a vet, I had no means of getting her there. A Golden Doodle has powerful jaws and forcing them apart to fish out crap isn’t easy. To make things worse, Jesse has been known to snap at you if she’s not getting her own way.

We had several battles over the garbage in her mouth, I won a few but not all.

And then the wily Jesse changed her tactics. Instead of charging at her target, she’d slip into doggy stealth mode, totally ignoring the garbage until it was at her feet and then, like lightning, snapping it up.

Winning food fights meant my hands were covered in slobber, but what’s a bit of slobber between man and man’s best friend.

It was our habit to give Jesse her last walk of the day at around nine o’clock at night. She was happy with this and ambled along sniffing here and there and occasionally stopping to water the plants. The first part of the walk took us across the parking lot, then down a narrow path through the garden to the edge of the lagoon where the path turned a corner and followed the water’s edge.

Perhaps I was gazing at the moon and stars for as we rounded the corner Jesse lunged for the base of a small bush, pulling me off my feet, and came up with half a rotten chicken, which dangled from either side of her mouth.

This was Jesse’s biggest prize ever! The stinking emperor of rotten garbage, the ultimate vomit-inducing, sweetest, biggest, juiciest most rancid chunk of decaying, puss dripping, germ infested, bacteria-ridden, putrefying slop in St. Martin and it was all hers!

Her eyes glowed with pride like hot coals in the dark. She drooled.

I dropped the leash and clamped my hands around the chicken where it hung from the sides of her mouth and gave an upwards heave. The rotten carcass split leaving me with a piece in each hand, which I threw into the lagoon. In the meantime, Jesse began to crunch.

Just then a van, lights ablaze, roared out of the parking lot, down the narrow path, bounced  across the flowerbeds and came to a slewing stop inches from my legs.

The doors of the van flew open and out leapt two armed gendarmes, a man the size of a house, and a woman waving a baton.

What they saw was a crazy man trying to rip the tongue out of the mouth of a big white dog.

They started to shout.

I had managed to wrap my hand around the chicken, which was now halfway down Jesse’s throat. In her excitement, she bit down, hard. With my free hand, I tried to force her jaws open, which only made her more determined. I was shouting, the gendarmes were shouting, my wife was shouting, and if Jesse’s mouth hadn’t been full of decomposed chicken and both my poor hands, she’d have been shouting too. The gendarmes demanded to know what was going on and what I was doing to that poor dog. But every time I turned to explain, Jesse chomped harder.

Another round of shouting. For a brief second Jesse relax her jaws and, with a mighty heave, I pulled out the stinking chicken and shoved it towards the gendarmes who rapidly backed away.

Having lost the game, Jesse nonchalantly squatted and peed on the grass.

The rancid chicken did the explaining for us and, laughing, the gendarmes climbed back into their van and backed over the flowerbeds, leaving deep ruts and doing as much damage as hurricane Irma.

Jesse and I remain the best of friends. I still wrestle rotten food out of her mouth, only now I check for Gendarmes before diving in.

 

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SHAGGY DOG STORY PART 1

Hurricane Irma has thrown up a lot of stories. Here’s one about a dog.

Some folks are dog people, you know, dogs are everything and can do no wrong. It’s fair to say that my wife and I are not dog people and by that I don’t mean that we hate dogs, just some of them. There is one dog in particular that we really like. Jesse is a Golden Doodle that belongs to a friend and so it was that Jesse just happened to be staying with us when Hurricane Irma came to call.

Now Jesse is a cool dog and during the storm, when she hunkered down in the shower room with my wife, me and our two cats, she was totally calm. Which is good because Jesse is a big dog and having her bounce off the walls of the shower room like a demented bell clapper would have done nothing for morale not to mention the cats who would certainly have gone into full Ninja mode.

Unlike a cat with a small appetite and a litterbox in which to poo, a big dog generates quite a bit of waste and after the storm passed, and although the inside of the apartment looked like someone had tossed a hand grenade into a dumpster, a steaming pile of excrement on the living room floor was to be avoided.

Allegedly, there were armed gangs of looters on the prowl at night, which isn’t good news when a big dog needs to go outside to dump

The island was under 24 hour curfew.

I’d managed to sneak the dog out a couple of times during the day when she’d gratefully answered the call, and she was doing really well until three o’clock one morning when legs crossed she came sidewinding across the room and woke me up, making it obvious that last evening’s dinner was about to reappear on the living room floor.

The night was still, black and deathly quiet after the gunfire of early evening. I looked out from our third floor balcony at what was left of the roofs opposite, their twisted rafters stark against the night sky like shattered angels’ wings in a forgotten grave yard.

Shadows piled upon shadows. In the debris nothing moved.

Jesse began to whimper. The sensible thing was to get her to poop on a sheet of newspaper or just follow her around and go with the necessary cleanup.

Instead, we headed for the door.

I grabbed the flare gun, which normally lives on the boat, and checked the 12 gauge cartridge. Not a distress flare but this time a rubber bullet. Pushing the gun down my belt, Dirty Gary and his attack hound Jesse headed for the door.

My wife wasn’t happy but a dog has to do what a dog has to do.

Down three flights of stairs in stygian darkness. Not a sound but my whispered breath and a relieved panting from the end of the leash ahead.

Outside, the oppressive heat of the apartment melted, washed away by the chill night air. It was liberating.

Jesse did her business, her tongue lolling contentedly.

I stood on the salt-burned grass and Jesse sat at my side. In the total blackness of an island devoid of artificial light, we gazed at the stars dusting the sky from horizon to horizon. A precious moment of beauty against a backdrop of devastation rudely interrupted by a shiver of fear.

We were breaking curfew and there were people around who could do us harm. The sensible thing was to return to the safety of our locked apartment as fast as possible.

All my life I have pushed things, tested things, fought against fear of the unknown.

I pushed now and decided to take a walk.

Across the parking lot and over the remains of the wall knocked flat by 200 mph winds and an eight-foot tidal surge we went, stepping into a surreal world that up to a few days ago was the main Marigot road.

To left and right lay bent and twisted alien forms silent in their destruction. Again I felt the cold ripple of fear and below it something more disturbing, the first shiver of excitement.

We had made it this far, let’s go a little further.

Together we walked the road like something from Cormac McCarthy’s post-apocalypse novel only I wasn’t walking through an apocalyptic world holding the hand of my young son, I was holding the leash of our friend’s Golden Doodle.

After a hundred yards my nerves tingled and alarm bells rang in my head. It was time to heed the warnings.

We turned and hurried towards the same piece of broken wall that would lead us back to the safety of our apartment.

That’s when Jesse decided to lay down.

I didn’t hear the vehicle as it coasted up behind us. A beast without lights that suddenly came on and held us in their powerful beams like two rabbits on a country road.

My heart slammed into my ribs. My mind screamed run. Dragging a dog that has decided to lay down in the middle of the road is not conducive to a sprint start.

This happened in a Nano second and all I could think was please don’t hurt the dog, she’s not mine and our friend will never forgive me.

I heard the car doors open.

My hand edged towards the butt of the flare gun and I made ready to turn around … when the flashing blue lights came on and four very angry, heavily armed gendarmes, cursing man and dog in a torrent of French, made it quite clear we were going to jail for breaking curfew and putting our lives at risk.

After much shouting and gesticulating, and having scared us half to death, they settled for escorting us back to our apartment all the while cussing and muttering in a mix of English and French, “Mon Dieu, next time, next time.”

Secretly, I think they were dog people.

Note: This wasn’t the last time that Jesse and I had a run in with the Gendarmes. There was more to come.

On Patrol, Hurricane Irma, September 11, French St Martin

Fifteen soldiers from the southern division of the marine parachute infantry guard the pharmacy, which is due to open for an hour. One soldier takes cover behind the wall of a three-sided concrete structure designed to hold a wheelie bin and sets up a machine gun on a tripod. He aims the gun along the road and pressing his eye to the telescopic sight makes a small adjustment. Nodding to an officer, he stands back and wipes the sweat from the rim of his red beret. Two floors above, snipers take up position. They too sight their guns along the road in the direction from which they believe trouble is most likely to come.

The pharmacy fails to open and the small crowd who have braved the heat stuff their sweat-stained prescriptions back into their pockets and wander off.

The soldiers cross the road and patrol through the ruined gardens and shattered buildings of our apartment complex. One of them digs a small bunch of coconuts out of the rubble and using his commando knife slices off the top. He digs the point through the white flesh and drinks deeply of the milk, passes it to his mates, and goes to work on another nut.

The soldiers’ gear is impressive: full battledress, combat boots, camouflage pants and combat jacket with too many pockets to count, flak jacket, cross belts and waist belts dripping with equipment – pistols, radios, cameras, knives, machetes, first aid pouch, satchels and holders. Each man carries a small machine gun hanging from a canvas sling across his chest. One carries the machine gun and tripod, another, the long sniper’s rifle with scope. Polished cap badges flash in the tropical midday sun. The poor bastards must be melting.

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Random musings in the aftermath of hurricane Irma

Now that I have a set of wheels I can, for the first time, travel the island and see the devastation wrought by hurricane Irma and find it’s on an epic scale. Few buildings escaped damage, some simply no longer exist. The shock factor of the early days, when we woke to a changed world, has been replaced by one of creeping sadness. Not one person, one family, went untouched.

Life amidst the wreckage goes on. Last Sunday dawned cool and fresh, and at 6.30 the waning Harvest Moon was high in an azure sky. I still see the beauty in these things though sadly they’re diminished when your gaze falls back to earth and you take in the smell, the millions of flies, the mosquitoes, the uneasy feeling of a population facing a bleak future of mass unemployment. We try to stay positive, to spin events so that they don’t invade our subconscious, but there are days, perhaps like today, when it is difficult.

For the first few weeks following the storm people oozed confidence. “We are strong, we will rebuild,” was the rallying cry and a feeling of optimism prevailed. Now, reality is beginning to sink in and with it the knowledge that thousands face an uncertain future with the locals taking the brunt.

The authorities on both sides of the island are working diligently to return things to normal, whatever normal will mean in the months ahead.

Hundreds of tons of scrap and debris have been removed, trucked to temporary sites and piled five stories high. Around our own apartment block, teams of workers have scoured the debris from the gardens, hauled zinc from the bottom of the swimming pool and carved up the trunks of once magnificent trees that lay dead along the ground.

We have water 12 hours a day, the electricity supply is stable, some supermarkets are open and there’s plenty of food for those with funds to buy it. On the French side families in need are still receiving aid, something that is vital if authorities are to avoid civil unrest.

The island has been knocked on its ass and, like a punch drunk boxer, is staggering to its feet. As we become yesterday’s news and the expat community considers fight or flight, those most severely affected have it within their power to make or break the recovery.

We live in hope.

— French St. Martin, October 8 2017

 

 

 

Scooters, Hooters and Hurricanes

I have wheels but it meant having to move to the dark side—Quadraphenia and Pinball Wizard, Noddy Holder and The Who. The long hair will have to go, as will the Crocs, now its Bovver Boots, long woolen scarves, parkas and plaid pants.

Yes, I have bought a scooter.

It’s just another indignity forced on me by hurricane Irma, the Wicked Witch of the East. We were desperate for transport, having lost the Jeep and my beloved motorbike in the tidal surge. A neighbor was leaving the island and his 125cc scooter was for sale.

The scooter is the ‘Agility City’ model and I think they misspelled City and it lacks a P as its first letter. And Agility is a bit too close to Mobility … Mobility scooter. Ouch!

The thing is automatic, no gear shifting, it does it for you. Riding the motorbike, I always felt like part of the machine. The acceleration, the quick rev between gears when you’re chopping down through the box … Born to be Wild running through my head (well, sometimes).

Riding the scooter is like riding a child’s miniature train around in circles. There’s nothing to do but sit on it and twist the end of the handlebar and a way it goes with the sound of a wet fart. You can’t make it roar because there’s no clutch. You can’t drag your knee close to the road in a tight corner like the Isle of Man TT racers do because your knees are up by your ears. All it’s short of is armrests and somewhere to put your pipe and slippers.

There is a center stand, but you need to be Man Mountain to use it. The daftest thing of all is the horn, which would do credit to 16-wheeler truck. The first time I pressed the button it almost gave me a heart attack. One blast cleared Marigot Main Street and had the gendarmes drawing their guns and diving for cover.

The guy who sold it to me swears it does 75 miles on one liter of gas and I think most of that goes through the horn, which sure as hell doesn’t run on electricity.

So, there you have it, I have joined the local loonies, the back wheel riders, the buzz brigade, the in-and-out traffic zippers whose total aim in life is to piss everyone off. Give me a wave as I go by, I’m the guy with the paper bag over his head …

 

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HURRICANE IRMA

Midnight, September 17th 2017

Thank you.

Jan and I are overwhelmed by the thoughts and prayers you sent our way during our tussle with hurricane Irma.  Religion has never been my thing but oddly enough I do believe that prayer is powerful. Perhaps it’s a throwback to my hippy days when things had good vibes and dreamers were out to change the world. And how does change come about if not by dreams.

The reason it has taken so long to thank everyone is that for over ten days we have lived without power and only now has it returned along with access to internet although the connection isn’t mine, I am taking it from the apartment below.

My date with Irma wasn’t what I expected, she was more woman than I could handle.

Jan and I have lived in the Caribbean for over 20 years and have survived all the storms and hurricanes including Luis, which I rode out on the boat. Previous to living in the Caribbean we survived a Bay of Biscay storm that twice rolled our boat and left us adrift for seven days, so I guess you could say we know a little about storms. A message I received today from a friend said: “Gary, you are going to live forever,” by which she meant I am not destined to die in a storm.

Irma, the strongest hurricane to hit the Caribbean since 1926, was powerful beyond belief, a living, breathing malignant bitch that left parts of the northern Caribbean looking like Trump had finally lost his mind and unleashed nuclear Armageddon. I hope he saw the videos coming out of the islands because that is just a taste of what the world will look like if the button is pushed … Cold, stark reality, not false news.

In Nettle Bay, French St. Martin, where we live, an eight foot tidal surge breached the main road and the ocean poured into the lagoon. The sea entered beachside homes sluicing them clean leaving nothing behind but crumbling breezeblocks and buckled roofs. The torrent smashed the roadside wall, cascaded down the grassy bank into our parking lot sweeping cars and trucks before it. We lost our Jeep, our motorbike and our friend’s car. As the water receded with the passing of the eye, peoples’ lives were laid bare, personal possessions, appliances, clothes, children’s toys, paperwork, food, furniture, personalities …

In our second floor apartment the roof was holding but straining to maintain its grip. Metal window frames bulged and cracks stippled the walls. In the calm of the eye, we took stock. We had some water damage but across the way, as far as I could see, homes were roofless, giant palms were down and the parking lot resembled a madman’s chess board of piled up cars and trucks.

Then it got really bad.

With the passing of the eye, the wind came from the opposite direction and what little protection offered by the building opposite was lost. The first wind gust was powerful; the second came with Irma’s full fury. Our roof began to moan and wail; the death throes of a creature in agony. It trembled and shook and plaster from the walls fell to the floor.  The ceiling fan swung from side to side, doors rattled and the world, our home; our heads were filled with a million screaming banshees.

We jammed ourselves into the tiny bathroom – myself, Jan, our friend’s Goldendoodle, Jesse, and our old cat Moggie. That’s when we realized our young cat Buster wasn’t with us but still cowering under the bed upstairs. The groans from the roof intensified and the bulging windows were on the edge of letting go. Should they collapse then Irma would be amongst us and no amount of concrete, wood and friction could stop her, the roof would lift and everything in the funnel of our open rooms would go with it including the bed and Buster.

Dragging a crazed cat from under the narrow opening beneath a bed at the height of a 185mph storm isn’t something I recommend. First I had him by the front paw, then the back paw, then by his neck until finally I had him out. I made it to the safety of the bathroom just has he raked me with his back claws and sent blood dripping from my finger tips. That’s twice we have saved that cat’s life, you’d think he’d be more grateful.

Jan sat on a duvet squashed in the corner next to the sink with Moggie and Buster pressed into her side and Jessie against her legs. She wrapped her arms around the three of them and whispered to keep them calm.  I sat with my back pressed against the door as Irma fought to get in. Nothing I could do would stop the incessant machinegun rattle of Irma clawing her way in. Time had little meaning beyond the awful bang, bang, banging against the door … and then the pressure eased, the period between hammer blows grew shorter until finally, defeated, Irma hoisted her malignant skirts and went off to plunder the Virgin Islands.

The aftermath of hurricane Irma has shocked me as much as the storm. Mass looting, gunfire, and lawlessness stripped away the thin veneer that separates civilized behavior from total every-man for-himself anarchy. Not everyone turned into a scumbag, many rose to the occasion doing everything they could to help those less fortunate at great risk to themselves. In a crisis you always get the angels. The authorities need to hold the looters to account but hey, it’s the islands, mon, and I’ll believe it when I see it. If it was down to me, I’d rip off their heads and spit down the hole. They are above contempt.

Ten days since the storm and on the French side the military have restored some kind of order although nights are still dangerous and patrols few and far between. We have no running water and flush the toilet with water carried from the swimming pool. Aid organizations bring us bottled drinking water and a little food for which we are thankful.  We are better off than many.

A few days ago the aid organization, escorted by French paratroopers, gave those living in our apartment block a huge bag of partially frozen food but without electricity we had no way of cooking it or keeping it cold. The food included piles of half frozen fish and meat, all destined for the dustbin by morning. In order to eat some of it, a group got together and built a fire in a large concrete flower box. They got the fire going with gasoline and fueled it with toxic wood. Jan and I took two massive tuna steaks back to our apartment and by candle light and using a blowtorch on the bottom of the frying pan cooked the fish and opened a warm bottle of wine. Gazing at the beauty of the stars in a blackened sky, we dined like kings overlooking an ancient battlefield which, in a way, we were.

Throughout all this, Jan has been my strength, keeping our little family fed and healthy. The number of storms I have put her through I wonder why she stays with me. Our love is strong.

Buster survived the trauma of the hurricane … just. He is eating, drinking, peeing and pooping and seems to be happy but after ten days we still can’t get him to leave the bathroom. He won’t go further than the door. We hope in time he will heal. The other animals are fine.

Today, for the first time, I was able to view videos of the devastation wrought on the islands and finally emotion took over. I cried. If climate change is responsible for these super storms then each and every one of us bears some responsibility for the death of the baby snatched by Irma from its mother’s arms as she clung to a palm tree and Barbuda disintegrated around her. The destruction is on us and the politicians we voted into power.

What does the future hold for the Caribbean? Well, it will rebuild and become a beautiful playground once more. There will certainly be no shortage of work. As for us, we could have evacuated but we decided to stay, at least for now. We are taking things a day at a time, keeping out of the shadows and walking with a big stick. I have an outboard to fix, which will give us transport, and All At Sea magazine to edit, which will help pay the bills. We are blessed.

So many people helped us get through this; you with your thoughts and prayers, and those of our neighbors who are still camping amongst the rubble. On the island of St. Martin, Martine gets a special hug along with Garth and his crew. JL, we are connected.

A special mention goes to the team at Laser 101; the radio station became the voice of the storm. They did a superb job of broadcasting, keeping the island informed and up to date even though many of the presenters had lost their own homes.  Shortly after the storm I listened to their banter until midnight and they had me in stitches. True professionals, thanks guys … shame about the music, but I tried.

Irma and now Maria. The Caribbean rocks.

Stay safe.

Luv Gary & Jan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SPAY AND NEUTER

(No, not the politicians although I could make a strong case)

Heavy rains over the last 48 hours washed a family of three kittens out of the tree they were living in and they have disappeared.

Although I live in the land of permanent summer, life is renewed in the spring and the local tomcats and their female mates do a sterling job of renewing it. Hence the kittens living in the tree where three thick branches joined making a perfect bowl for a nest.

I first encountered the gang of small furry creatures while taking a late evening stroll around the gardens surrounding our apartment block. First, I saw a ghostly shadow on a low wall and then another and another until the flickering shapes turned into three solid bundles of mischief. Shortly after, more and more strollers came by until the kittens were surrounded by an admiring crowd clucking oohs and aahs in English and French.

It was obvious the kittens had lost their mother. Perhaps she had abandoned them, maybe she had died or a dog had taken her (it happens). They could had been dumped unwanted in the garden by their owners. Whatever the reason, they now had plenty of humans looking out for them.

The tree they chose to live in is almost below our window and we were able to watch their comings and goings and those of the various people who brought them dishes of food, milk and water. My wife and I, and our own two furry head-bangers, also provided support in the form of food. The kittens responded to everyone with joy and, being completely unafraid of people, it strengthened my belief that they had been dumped by someone.

Watching from the window was heartwarming. Here comes the big tough guy who hardly ever speaks, he’s cooing and carrying a bowl of food. Next, it’s the lovely lady who sings with more food. A brood of kids, mum in tow, turn up and play with the kittens, and return later with full dishes.

It’s not like these are the only kittens around, there are lots in the area but for some reason these three have captured everyone’s heart.

One young cat that we fed for weeks disappeared only to turn up again six months later. Bandit, the lovely masked kitten, is still around and growing strong.

It’s hard not to want to pick up all the kittens and bring them home.

The rains have now moved on but the little fellows haven’t returned to their nest in the tree.

Sadness and guilt surrounds us like an unseen cloak …

If only …